You might have heard the term "gaslighting" as a buzzword circulating online, often associated with toxic narcissists. However, many of us, often unknowingly, engage in gaslighting behaviors ourselves.
Gaslighting, as a term, was first introduced to the world around the movie 'Gaslight' in 1936. The movie moves around the story of a woman slowly driven to insanity by her husband, who is after her wealth. The term became so synonymous with the tactics used by manipulators that it was adapted as an official term in modern psychology.
Gaslighting is one of the characteristics of the people belonging to cluster B personality type (according to DSM) which includes antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder, as a way of blurring boundaries and causing people to question their sanity, making their perception of reality entirely dependent on the abuser's manipulation. Narcissists do this as a way of asserting their control over the victim; the more the control, the better, and all of this is often disguised as love or affection from the abuser.
Implications of gaslighting last far longer than people expect; in fact, it keeps manifesting itself years after as PTSD, even if the victim hasn't had any contact with the abuser. It leaves them hollow, trustless, and in an abyss of self-doubt and questioning reality.
But unfortunately, gaslighting is not just limited to personal relationships, and here are some of the ways you might be getting gaslighted. Recognizing it is the first step to calling it out and stopping it in its initial phases. So, read carefully.
Gaslighting in Relationships
Narcissists don't just resort to gaslighting in intimate relationships; it can also emerge among friends or to misguide family members. This is particularly evident in shame and fear-based societies like India, where families are highly enmeshed, and individual freedom is often limited. In such a family or relationship, you might hear phrases like "You don't care about family/friends, do you?" if you express a differing opinion. You may feel pressured to behave a certain way around people you have no interest in interacting with simply because they are family. During gatherings, you might feel targeted, attacked, and ridiculed, with your emotions and opinions either dismissed with laughter or met with hostility.
Gaslighting at Work
Imagine working for a charming boss everyone likes, yet they give you the vibes of a devil in disguise. Trust your instincts and always run in the opposite direction when you meet a person like that in power. Because not only do these people have the authority, but also the high intolerance and rage that comes to Narcissists and Sociopaths who are also high functioning. Work becomes their perfect playground because, for everyone else, it's a place to learn and earn money, but to them, it is a battleground. They will praise and work with you if you agree with their intelligence and plans, but you'll activate their serpent the second you disagree. And they will strike whenever they get the chance and never let it go. They might turn people against you by spreading rumors and shit-talking about you while portraying themselves as the victims. They will often mask cruelty with humor and make you doubt your work even if you've been nothing but perfect.
Gaslighting in Society
Gaslighting is also surging in society due to fake news and extremist movements observed through the media. There is a lot of chaos in our governance and societal systems today, and that is the perfect ground for abusers and malignant personalities to gain by watching the world burn. It's tough to stay moderate at a time like this when even the news you read or the posts and advertisements targeted to you are being used to push you towards one side or the other due to this reason. Science literacy and understanding are at their lowest. At the same time, emotions are used to irk people from different backgrounds to fuel in-fighting between people while the oligarchs on the top deny their crimes against humanity, nature, and our future.
STRATEGIES TO DEAL WITH GASLIGHTING
STEP 1: IS IT REALLY GASLIGHTING?
Not every situation where your opinion is dismissed is considered gaslighting. The true essence of gaslighting involves being repeatedly manipulated into doubting your own perceptions and feelings, ultimately making you believe that you are always wrong. You may often feel attacked by the phrase, “Aren’t you overreacting?”
This can lead you to often apologizing, doubting yourself, questioning your decisions and wondering if your feelings are too much for the people around you.
STEP 2: PAUSE AND TAKE A STEP BACK
Do not get consumed by your emotions, and try not to react. Remain calm and try not to dismiss or accept what they are saying. It is but natural you would want to dismiss it on the grounds that it is untrue, but in such a situation, they might not back down or accept their mistakes, leaving you feeling even more frustrated and might lead you to question your own self.
Try to escape the situation and, if possible, leave the proximity by going out for a walk. If that is not possible, try breathing exercises and take a time out!
STEP 3: KEEP THE PROOF
Now, we understand that being gaslighted comes with smart manipulation, which could result in self-doubt. To keep your peace, you can take notes and track the conversation or take screenshots. This activity should only be done for self-reassurance and not to hold it against them as proof. Having proof may make you want to hold it against them, but that will only lead to more bad blood and problems.
STEP 4: SPEAK UP
Speak up about their behavior and let them know you do not accept this behavior. You can portray confidence and make them feel that their insults and opinions do not bother you and are not affected by them.
STEP 5: DO NOT DOUBT YOUR VERSION
You might have the urge to doubt your version of events and question yourself but do not succumb to this urge. Remain confident and believe in yourself.
STEP 6: TALK WITH OTHERS
Do not worry and you are not losing your memory or being overly emotional. Speak about it with other people and gain insight into the situation, it will help you deal with anxiety and doubt positively.
Gaslighting has the potential to make you feel isolated and question yourself. You may find yourself engulfed by insecurities and swirl in the winds of despair. But each one of us has the potential to fight this by recognising and taking the right action to not only protect yourself but even help you heal.
Focus on the R’s, recognise the signs of gaslighting, reconnect with yourself and rebuild your confidence. It might seem difficult, and questions may arise, but eventually, things shall fall into place.
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